I was angry that I was going through this and that I was dragging my partner through it too (I know he is with me of his own free will, and I have told him numerous times that if it gets too much he can leave, but he truly wants to be here), I was angry/ sad that we haven't been physically or emotionally close to each other for at least 8 months.
Then the anger left and it was just the sadness, and for the first time in my life I really contemplated on just giving up. I wanted to walk down to the beach and swim as far out as my body would take me until it was exhausted and that I would just blissfully sink to the bottom leaving all my cares behind me, not having to cope with anything anymore. After that I just felt nothing, I really didn't want to come home, I actually wanted to give up. But being the rationalist I am I know that I wouldn't really do it, I would ruin too many peoples lives by doing that and I really did love my partner, my family and my friends.
M. talked me into coming home, so we got off the phone and I sombrely drove home.When I pulled into the drive way the house looked dead, maybe M. had gone out to the shops, or gone home. I opened the door and didn't expect to see what I did...
Candles, two glasses of wine, M. all dressed up (suit pants, shirt, tie, dress shoes) and my favourite song in the world playing (Billie Holiday- I'll be seeing you). M. broke down into tears and rushed over to me and just held me. I didn't realise it till then but I really wanted to hug him back too! We just stood there hugging and crying, I looked into his face and said sorry, I laughed at the effort he went to and then couldn't stop smiling, (I haven't really looked at him in quite some time). I knew that he was crying because he was truly scared that I wouldn't come home and that his tears were of happiness that I had.
He took my hand and led me into the lounge room where we hugged/ danced and couldn't take our eyes off each other. We talked, drank some wine, smiled, laughed and looked at each other, it felt like years ago when we were in the 'honeymoon' phase. We made love for the first time in months and just held each other that night!
We made plans to go driving the day after (Sunday) and I would show him all the amazing places I saw and create happy memories there, pack a picnic and just be at leisure for the day with each other.
Yesterday we did just that, I showed him the amazing lookouts, waterfalls, beach's and rainforest areas, we ate yummy picnic food and we couldn't stop smiling at each other!
So even though we had a horrible fight, we needed to do that! I have promised I am not going to hide my emotions anymore and I am going to talk to him about everything. He promised to give me more room and allow that sometimes I may need to use distractions to cope with everything. We made a promise to each other that we would start up date night again and do it once a fortnight without fail.
Sorry this post is so long!