Emotional blow out...

I haven't shared health things on here in quite a while as I have soo much crap going on, but I thought I would do a little sharing about what has recently happened as I have gone from the lowest of lows to being pretty good (emotionally)...

Sat afternoon M. and I started bickering about cooking (this is one of the main things we fight about as I was a chef and he is also a good cook, but we sometimes do things in different ways) but it turned into a massive blow out as we had been skirting around some issues for quite a while now, and I had been closing myself off emotionally.
I have been pretty crap these last few months with my health conditions getting worse and worse. I have sever pelvic pain (Endo, PCOS, chronic inflammation, neuropathic pain) and Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension (sever headaches, blurred vision).
My body has literally been in a war as both health conditions have been pitting off against each other vying for my attention as they are both sever and both failing. ATM the IIH is winning and I have head splitting headaches pretty much everyday, I am booked in for a stenting procedure (a form of brain surgery) early next month.
I have been trying not to 'put all my eggs in one basket' so to speak on the surgery in case it fails or during the test before the procedure it turns out I am not a candidate, but it is effing hard as I need release from this pain and I need it desperately!!
So needless to say I have been pretty crap I have closed myself off emotionally - I don't want to feel as I can't handle the physical pain, let alone the emotional pain that comes with it. I have been quick to anger and rarely let myself give into sadness as it physically hurt to allow sadness in, my throat felt like it was going to close up, my tears sting, my headaches get worse. It was much easier to get angry and even when I did, I still held that back too.

On Saturday night all that pent up anger came rushing out and I was soo angry that I was scared that I was going to hurt myself or worse M. This is hard for me as a grew up in a physically and emotionally abusive household. I was/ and still am afraid of becoming like my father.
So I stomped my feet, slammed some doors and decided I needed to get out of the house. Now I know it is the worst idea ever to drive when your emotions are ruling you, but I needed to get out of there, so I tried to shut down some of the emotions again and just drive. There were a few little leaks of emotion and I was still angry and now some of the sadness made it's way though, but on the whole I kept it together until I didn't have to.
Driving and getting out of the house ended up being the best thing that happened as automatically my brain went into gear and took me through places I would find calming, I kind of got to explore the area I had just moved to and I must say wow. The South Coast is like a wonderland to me... beaches and rainforest intermingle!
After a while I pulled over in a quiet spot, got out of the car and just screamed into the wind, I got back in the car and let my emotions take over.
I have never felt so low in my whole life, everything I had been holding back just flooded through and I once and for all realised just how bad things had become.
I was angry at the world, why did I have to have two really crap health conditions that on there own can take over your life, but two.

I called M. and told him for the first time how things really were, not just the stuff I allowed him to see but everything...
I was angry that I was going through this and that I was dragging my partner through it too (I know he is with me of his own free will, and I have told him numerous times that if it gets too much he can leave, but he truly wants to be here), I was angry/ sad that we haven't been physically or emotionally close to each other for at least 8 months.
Then the anger left and it was just the sadness, and for the first time in my life I really contemplated on just giving up. I wanted to walk down to the beach and swim as far out as my body would take me until it was exhausted and that I would just blissfully sink to the bottom leaving all my cares behind me, not having to cope with anything anymore. After that I just felt nothing, I really didn't want to come home, I actually wanted to give up. But being the rationalist I am I know that I wouldn't really do it, I would ruin too many peoples lives by doing that and I really did love my partner, my family and my friends.
M. talked me into coming home, so we got off the phone and I sombrely drove home.When I pulled into the drive way the house looked dead, maybe M. had gone out to the shops, or gone home. I opened the door and didn't expect to see what I did...
Candles, two glasses of wine, M. all dressed up (suit pants, shirt, tie, dress shoes) and my favourite song in the world playing (Billie Holiday- I'll be seeing you). M. broke down into tears and rushed over to me and just held me. I didn't realise it till then but I really wanted to hug him back too! We just stood there hugging and crying, I looked into his face and said sorry, I laughed at the effort he went to and then couldn't stop smiling, (I haven't really looked at him in quite some time). I knew that he was crying because he was truly scared that I wouldn't come home and that his tears were of happiness that I had.
He took my hand and led me into the lounge room where we hugged/ danced and couldn't take our eyes off each other.  We talked, drank some wine, smiled, laughed and looked at each other, it felt like years ago when we were in the 'honeymoon' phase. We made love for the first time in months and just held each other that night!
We made plans to go driving the day after (Sunday) and I would show him all the amazing places I saw and create happy memories there, pack a picnic and just be at leisure for the day with each other.

Yesterday we did just that, I showed him the amazing lookouts, waterfalls, beach's and rainforest areas, we ate yummy picnic food and we couldn't stop smiling at each other!
So even though we had a horrible fight, we needed to do that! I have promised I am not going to hide my emotions anymore and I am going to talk to him about everything. He promised to give me more room and allow that sometimes I may need to use distractions to cope with everything. We made a promise to each other that we would start up date night again and do it once a fortnight without fail.

Sorry this post is so long!